On Our Own

"Here am I,
The dishes barely done and night long since fallen,
The children would not go to bed
And would not go and
Would not go--

And now they are gone.
Gone to places of their own with children of their own
Who will not go to bed and will not go...
And I have taught them what I could and
They have learned the things they would
And now they've gone their way alone to learn the rest
Most on their own."


Once in a while someone says what you feel when you haven't words for it.
I love this part of a poem by Jaroldeen Edwards.

I spent so much of my life doing dishes and trying, unsuccessfully, to get kids to sleep. That time is spent--gone--and I can't help but wonder if it was spent well.

I see in my children a mix of lessons learned and unlearned, genes dominant and recessive, choices good and bad. What part did I play in who they are?

And what part did they play in who I am? Altered by interactions with each child, influences of each personality, experiences shared together, --they are part of me as I am part of them.

Here am I.
The hour is late, and I cannot sleep and cannot sleep and cannot sleep.
I remain,
And have much to learn and do and feel,
Most on my own.

Mother's Day Revisited

I was asked to speak in church on Mother's Day this year.
Luckily I was out of town and couldn't do it.

But I've wondered what I would have said.

There is great diversity and complexity of feelings among women on Mother's Day. What do they want to hear on that notable day? What don't they want to hear?

One year in Relief Society, the teacher went around the room and gave every woman a chance to stand up and share something about their mother. I was shocked and saddened by the number of women who didn't stand up, who couldn't talk about their mother, who hunched over and hid in agony. What do you say to those women? I wanted to weep for them, and for the gratitude I felt for my own good mother.

To those whose children have gone astray in spite of their best efforts--
To those who can't bear children--
To those who have never married--
What do you say to them?

To those who are exhausted, who have given their body and soul and life to their children--how can you begin to name and measure and appreciate all that they do, and the depth and breadth of their influence?

Someday I may attempt to write a Mother's Day talk.
I don't know what I'll say, but I may include a poem that I shared with my mother. She shared it with her posterity at our last reunion. I know it's how she felt. It's also how I feel.

A Mother's Day Sonnet
by Bertha A. Kleinman

No pedestal for me on Mother's Day,
Nay, rather let me seek my children's shrine,
And there on bended knee attempt to say
Some tithe of what is in this heart of mine.

I want no laurel wreathed about my head,
I so at fault, so human and remiss;
Mine be the hands to halo you instead,
Who gave to me a royal day like this.

I ask no recompense--I have it all;
Each day brims up my measure of content,
As your success, magnificent or small,
Becomes my own in double lavishment.
So love me for the all you may not see,
And hold me close for what I want to be.

To My Children on Mother's Day 2006

It's not that we didn't have our bumps along the way, or that it was easy;
I wasn't a perfect mother and you weren't perfect children.
But overall I have loved being a mother. I have loved being YOUR mother.
It is the most fun and rewarding thing I've done in my life, even if it was the hardest.

As babies and toddlers you were adorable, sweet and fun.
As older children you were eager learners and reasonably obedient.
For someone like me who didn't like teenagers even when I was one, that stage of life was relatively painless and even enjoyable.

As adults, I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have children that I love, that I like, that I respect and admire, and who are my friends.
You continue to delight me and honor me by the goodness and richness of your lives.

Thank you for being good kids, and good people.
Thank you for making motherhood fun, and for making me a better person.
Thank you for the constant joy you have brought into my life.

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth." 3 John 1:4

I love you more than words can say.

Mother