Today is Jennifer's birthday.
Jennifer is my firstborn child.
There is nothing in the world like the first; nothing can ever take its place. For holding that special place in my heart, for enduring that position, thanks, Jennifer.
Jennifer was due the week after Christmas, so we couldn't travel to Washington. That was my first Christmas away from home. Thanks, Jennifer.
I woke up on New Year's Eve and felt funny. I had to call my mother to ask what labor felt like. Little did I know what I was in for. Thanks, Jennifer.
I had never seen anything born before, so after her birth I kept saying, There really was a baby in there! And there was. A baby that made me a mother. Thanks, Jennifer.
The doctor who delivered her didn't miss too much of his football game, but he did miss a New Year's Eve party he didn't want to go to. For that, he thanks you, Jennifer.
She came too early to be the first baby born in the new year so we didn't get all the press and goodies, but we did get the tax deduction, and I didn't get my hospital picture in the news. Thanks, Jennifer.
I don't know which is most painful: labor, afterbirth, nursing, or breast infections. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. For making me stronger, thanks, Jennifer.
I don't know if we choose our parents in the pre-existence, but if you did, thanks, Jennifer.
I cannot begin to count the ways Jennifer has blessed my life. For the pure delight at every age, for the deep and abiding friendship, for the connection we have on all levels, I thank you.
On this, the anniversary of her birth, I have umpteen reasons to celebrate and be glad.
For all you are and do, I thank you, Jennifer.
I love you!
Happy Birthday!
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
The Party's Over
"Well, so that is that. Now we must dismantle the tree,
Putting decorations back into their cardboard boxes--
Some have got broken--and carrying them up to the attic.
The holly and the mistletoe must be taken down and burnt,
And the children got ready for school. There are enough
Left-overs to do, warmed up, for the rest of the week--
Not that we have much appetite, having eaten such a lot,
Stayed up so late, attempted--quite unsuccessfully--
To love all our relatives, and in general
Grossly overestimated our powers. Once again
As in previous years we have seen the actual Vision and failed
To do more than entertain it as an agreeable
Possibility, once again we have sent Him away
Begging though to remain His disobedient servant,
The promising child who cannot keep His word for long."
-- W. H. Auden
The week after Christmas is always in interesting mix of emotions.
We want to somehow hang on to the feelings of the season, but clean out the mess.
What things need be stowed away, and what should be left out?
I guess the tree and lights must go, but other things should stay,
like the peace and the joy,
love and service,
being wise and giving gifts,
humble kneeling and songs of praise,
following His light and coming to Him.
I always wonder if all the fuss and bother of Christmas was worth it. Did it make a difference in my life? Am I better for the experience?
Will I be any better at making room for him in my life this year?
Will I follow his light more than the darkness of the world?
Will I continue to offer gifts to Him?
Will I love better because Love was born?
Sometimes I feel like the promising child who can't keep his word for long.
But I still want to try.
For all He's given me, I really want to try.
Putting decorations back into their cardboard boxes--
Some have got broken--and carrying them up to the attic.
The holly and the mistletoe must be taken down and burnt,
And the children got ready for school. There are enough
Left-overs to do, warmed up, for the rest of the week--
Not that we have much appetite, having eaten such a lot,
Stayed up so late, attempted--quite unsuccessfully--
To love all our relatives, and in general
Grossly overestimated our powers. Once again
As in previous years we have seen the actual Vision and failed
To do more than entertain it as an agreeable
Possibility, once again we have sent Him away
Begging though to remain His disobedient servant,
The promising child who cannot keep His word for long."
-- W. H. Auden
The week after Christmas is always in interesting mix of emotions.
We want to somehow hang on to the feelings of the season, but clean out the mess.
What things need be stowed away, and what should be left out?
I guess the tree and lights must go, but other things should stay,
like the peace and the joy,
love and service,
being wise and giving gifts,
humble kneeling and songs of praise,
following His light and coming to Him.
I always wonder if all the fuss and bother of Christmas was worth it. Did it make a difference in my life? Am I better for the experience?
Will I be any better at making room for him in my life this year?
Will I follow his light more than the darkness of the world?
Will I continue to offer gifts to Him?
Will I love better because Love was born?
Sometimes I feel like the promising child who can't keep his word for long.
But I still want to try.
For all He's given me, I really want to try.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
I'm a Fake!
While folding laundry one day I caught a few minutes of a Rock Hudson movie. He played a man who sold fishing equipment in a sporting goods store. He told people the best gear to buy, the best place to fish, the best bait to use, even the best time of day to fish. Then it was discovered that he didn’t personally fish, or even know how! He just passed on information that others had given him.
I thought, that is so my life! I work in a longarm quilting business selling quilting supplies. I spend my days advising people on the best products to buy, telling them how to use it, and am even considered "the expert" by some. But I don’t quilt!! I don’t personally use these products or have any real experience with them. I just pass on information that people tell me.
Something about this isn’t right.
We can know a lot about a lot of things. But there is no substitute for real experience. Only then can you really know a thing. (And even then, only your limited experience of it.)
I worry that the gospel can be like that. We can know all about it, how to live it, where to practice it, but not have any real experience with it. We can talk about faith, charity, service, sacrifice, Spirit, saving the world, but how much personal experience do we have with those things?
"It is a contradiction in terms and ideas to call anything a revelation that comes to us at secondhand, either verbally or in writing. It is revelation to the first person only and hearsay to every other."
--Thomas Paine
Especially in the gospel were we meant to have first-hand experiences!
I do believe the Church encourages us to act "as if" we have a virtue before we actually possess it, such as to act with charity before we may actually feel it. It may be viewed as hypocrisy, but I see it as a learning step, a practice phase. It's meant to be temporary until we gain the virtue. All of us at divers times and places are "practicing" Christians. Permanence of the discrepancy qualifies for being a fake.
It makes me all the more grateful for the Savior, who left His heavenly home and came to earth to experience mortality first-hand. He knows what it is to be hungry, tired, rejected, and unappreciated. What He knows of our struggles and sufferings is not from hearsay.
Dennis Rasmussun wrote:
“Christ came among men to share what he had brought with him from heaven, but also to share what he would find on earth.
The gift he brought was eternal life with all its glory; the gift he received was human life with all its struggles.
Because He lived and suffered and died, life and suffering and death were changed. By sharing them he transfigured them, and made them ministers of perfection.”
We have faith in Christ because we know He has walked the walk, that He knows from personal experience about the things He teaches us. We know we can follow in His footsteps.
The lesson for me is, whether in fishing, quilting or living the gospel, it is infinitely better to do it, to walk the walk, and not just talk the talk.
The Lord has said, Do not be a hypocrite.
In other words, Don't be a fake.
I thought, that is so my life! I work in a longarm quilting business selling quilting supplies. I spend my days advising people on the best products to buy, telling them how to use it, and am even considered "the expert" by some. But I don’t quilt!! I don’t personally use these products or have any real experience with them. I just pass on information that people tell me.
Something about this isn’t right.
We can know a lot about a lot of things. But there is no substitute for real experience. Only then can you really know a thing. (And even then, only your limited experience of it.)
I worry that the gospel can be like that. We can know all about it, how to live it, where to practice it, but not have any real experience with it. We can talk about faith, charity, service, sacrifice, Spirit, saving the world, but how much personal experience do we have with those things?
"It is a contradiction in terms and ideas to call anything a revelation that comes to us at secondhand, either verbally or in writing. It is revelation to the first person only and hearsay to every other."
--Thomas Paine
Especially in the gospel were we meant to have first-hand experiences!
I do believe the Church encourages us to act "as if" we have a virtue before we actually possess it, such as to act with charity before we may actually feel it. It may be viewed as hypocrisy, but I see it as a learning step, a practice phase. It's meant to be temporary until we gain the virtue. All of us at divers times and places are "practicing" Christians. Permanence of the discrepancy qualifies for being a fake.
It makes me all the more grateful for the Savior, who left His heavenly home and came to earth to experience mortality first-hand. He knows what it is to be hungry, tired, rejected, and unappreciated. What He knows of our struggles and sufferings is not from hearsay.
Dennis Rasmussun wrote:
“Christ came among men to share what he had brought with him from heaven, but also to share what he would find on earth.
The gift he brought was eternal life with all its glory; the gift he received was human life with all its struggles.
Because He lived and suffered and died, life and suffering and death were changed. By sharing them he transfigured them, and made them ministers of perfection.”
We have faith in Christ because we know He has walked the walk, that He knows from personal experience about the things He teaches us. We know we can follow in His footsteps.
The lesson for me is, whether in fishing, quilting or living the gospel, it is infinitely better to do it, to walk the walk, and not just talk the talk.
The Lord has said, Do not be a hypocrite.
In other words, Don't be a fake.
What things do you know from experience, and what things do you know just from hearsay?
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Thoughts on a Christmas Eve
Because the spritz and the gumdrops are made,
because I don't have to stay up all night wrapping presents, filling stockings, or making cinnamon rolls this year,
because I have time for once to be quiet,
I appreciate even more this favorite poem of mine:
Let us be silent for a little while
This holy night.
Let us go out where the silver winter stars
Hang still and white,
And let us find His star, and stand beneath
Its drenching light.
We will be calm, for the while alone
Where still things are;
We will be stronger than we were before,
And cleaner, far,
For the brief time beneath the showering light
Of one white star,
And oh, I think if we wait, and if we watch,
That star will pour
A radiant silver light along the hills;
Will go before
And lead all earnest seekers for the Christ
To His very door.
--Grace Noll Crowell
May all things in our lives lead us to Him.
because I don't have to stay up all night wrapping presents, filling stockings, or making cinnamon rolls this year,
because I have time for once to be quiet,
I appreciate even more this favorite poem of mine:
Let us be silent for a little while
This holy night.
Let us go out where the silver winter stars
Hang still and white,
And let us find His star, and stand beneath
Its drenching light.
We will be calm, for the while alone
Where still things are;
We will be stronger than we were before,
And cleaner, far,
For the brief time beneath the showering light
Of one white star,
And oh, I think if we wait, and if we watch,
That star will pour
A radiant silver light along the hills;
Will go before
And lead all earnest seekers for the Christ
To His very door.
--Grace Noll Crowell
May all things in our lives lead us to Him.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
"C" is for Christmas
Inspired by a poem I read in an old Improvement Era, I once wrote this corny play on words:
It's Christmas! How do you "C" Christmas?
Do you "C" santa Claus, Chimneys, Colored lights,
Chocolates, Cranberries and Crisp winter nights?
Children, Candles, Candy Canes,
Cheery Cards, Carolers and Country lanes?
And in your Christmas do you "C" Christ?
Do you see the Child in the Creche?
Do you see the Creator of worlds,
and his Commanding Countenance?
Do you see his Capacity for Caring?
His Caress for a Child, his Cry for our pain?
His Charity in his Compassion and Comfort?
He is the Calm in a storm.
He is the Champion for God's Cause,
with Consummate Commitment and Courage.
Cheerful, Congenial, Considerate.
Composed, Certain, Candid.
He is unCommon, inComparable, unChangeable.
Do you see his Conduct as he's Cruelly Condemned?
Do you see him Climb with the Cross to Calvary,
to Carry our sins and Compensate for our weaknesses?
He is Chief among us, the Center of our universe,
our hope for all things Celestial.
It is Christ we Celebrate.
For unto us is born this day a savior, who is Christ the Lord.
I still like to read it because it reminds me to open my eyes to all that Christmas means.
Every year our stake does a Creche Exhibit. As I took my time quietly looking at each Nativity, and I felt like I was personally witnessing that holiest of nights. I felt I had looked into the faces of Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus, of good shepherds and of wise men, angels and other witnesses. I knew, as they did, that this was indeed the promised Messiah, and that He was true to His promises. Christmas is a miraculous experience when we have eyes to see.
As Children of God, are there things to "C" in us?
Compassion
Conviction
Courage
Commitment
Charity
Contentment
Compliance
Child-like
Constant
Caring
Clean
Contrite
Covenant
We think A-list is best, but I'm thinking C-list is better.
That's how I "C" it.
It's Christmas! How do you "C" Christmas?
Do you "C" santa Claus, Chimneys, Colored lights,
Chocolates, Cranberries and Crisp winter nights?
Children, Candles, Candy Canes,
Cheery Cards, Carolers and Country lanes?
And in your Christmas do you "C" Christ?
Do you see the Child in the Creche?
Do you see the Creator of worlds,
and his Commanding Countenance?
Do you see his Capacity for Caring?
His Caress for a Child, his Cry for our pain?
His Charity in his Compassion and Comfort?
He is the Calm in a storm.
He is the Champion for God's Cause,
with Consummate Commitment and Courage.
Cheerful, Congenial, Considerate.
Composed, Certain, Candid.
He is unCommon, inComparable, unChangeable.
Do you see his Conduct as he's Cruelly Condemned?
Do you see him Climb with the Cross to Calvary,
to Carry our sins and Compensate for our weaknesses?
He is Chief among us, the Center of our universe,
our hope for all things Celestial.
It is Christ we Celebrate.
For unto us is born this day a savior, who is Christ the Lord.
I still like to read it because it reminds me to open my eyes to all that Christmas means.
Every year our stake does a Creche Exhibit. As I took my time quietly looking at each Nativity, and I felt like I was personally witnessing that holiest of nights. I felt I had looked into the faces of Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus, of good shepherds and of wise men, angels and other witnesses. I knew, as they did, that this was indeed the promised Messiah, and that He was true to His promises. Christmas is a miraculous experience when we have eyes to see.
As Children of God, are there things to "C" in us?
Compassion
Conviction
Courage
Commitment
Charity
Contentment
Compliance
Child-like
Constant
Caring
Clean
Contrite
Covenant
We think A-list is best, but I'm thinking C-list is better.
That's how I "C" it.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
A Blogging Milestone
If I count right, this will be my 100th blog. Not bad for someone who dragged their feet to start one, and even then needed a jump start.
This week I printed them all out, just to see what that would look like. It was bigger than I thought. I have to say it's not a book everyone would want to read, but I like it.
The word "ripple" comes to mind. I don't know how Jill got started, but she got Jenn started who got me started and her sisters and Jill's keep getting bigger as her circle of wonderful friends grows. The Ripple Effect isn't just about blogs being written; it's about ideas and feelings and insights and friendships. It's all the things that happen in our lives and in the lives of those we touch because of blogspot.com.
Our personal stories are the literature of our lives. What can be more touching or interesting to read than real thoughts and stories of real people? Thanks to anyone who reads this for your contribution to my life.
Blogging has not been a daily journal for me; I do that in another place. It has been a reflection on my life and experiences. It has allowed me expression through the art of writing. It has put me in touch with my children, and some great friends.
Some days I think I have said all I have to say. Other days I think not.
So I'll keep on blogging when something inside me wants to get out.
What I feared most came true: I haven't cleaned a single closet since I started.
And I haven't found the real me. But I have come closer.
And I have loved the journey.
Thanks, Jill and Jenn!
Happy 100th Blog to me!
This week I printed them all out, just to see what that would look like. It was bigger than I thought. I have to say it's not a book everyone would want to read, but I like it.
The word "ripple" comes to mind. I don't know how Jill got started, but she got Jenn started who got me started and her sisters and Jill's keep getting bigger as her circle of wonderful friends grows. The Ripple Effect isn't just about blogs being written; it's about ideas and feelings and insights and friendships. It's all the things that happen in our lives and in the lives of those we touch because of blogspot.com.
Our personal stories are the literature of our lives. What can be more touching or interesting to read than real thoughts and stories of real people? Thanks to anyone who reads this for your contribution to my life.
Blogging has not been a daily journal for me; I do that in another place. It has been a reflection on my life and experiences. It has allowed me expression through the art of writing. It has put me in touch with my children, and some great friends.
Some days I think I have said all I have to say. Other days I think not.
So I'll keep on blogging when something inside me wants to get out.
What I feared most came true: I haven't cleaned a single closet since I started.
And I haven't found the real me. But I have come closer.
And I have loved the journey.
Thanks, Jill and Jenn!
Happy 100th Blog to me!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Thoughts on a Healthy Family
When I went to college, I majored in Psychology, but I minored in Child Development and Family Relations. I thought everyone should at least minor in CDFR. What more important thing do we all need to know in life than how to be a good parent and have a happy and productive family? What better topic should we study all the days of our lives?
"The family is still the most efficient means for producing human happiness and human goodness, as well as for preparing us for the world of immortality that is to follow." Neal A. Maxwell
Neal A. Maxwell taught some very profound things about healthy families:
"Of all the work of 'perfecting the saints,' none compares to that done in healthy families."
"Sickness of spirit in a family is carried just as surely as the flu."
"The next generation always lives downwind of the toxic trends of the previous generation."
“When some choose slackness, they are choosing not only for themselves, but for the next generation and the next. Small equivocations in parents can produce large deviations in their children! Earlier generations in a family may have reflected dedication, while some in the current generation evidence equivocation. Sadly, in the next, some may choose dissension, as erosion takes it toll. "
"The whole process of raising a family is one of perfecting our own lives. That which we transmit consciously and unconsciously to our children in their rearing in the home must be the best within us." Henry D. Moyle
"I have learned in my home what I know about godliness.
And the theory I learn other places, if not applied at home, is useless." -Ann Madsen
"The family is still the most efficient means for producing human happiness and human goodness, as well as for preparing us for the world of immortality that is to follow." Neal A. Maxwell
Neal A. Maxwell taught some very profound things about healthy families:
"Of all the work of 'perfecting the saints,' none compares to that done in healthy families."
"Sickness of spirit in a family is carried just as surely as the flu."
"The next generation always lives downwind of the toxic trends of the previous generation."
“When some choose slackness, they are choosing not only for themselves, but for the next generation and the next. Small equivocations in parents can produce large deviations in their children! Earlier generations in a family may have reflected dedication, while some in the current generation evidence equivocation. Sadly, in the next, some may choose dissension, as erosion takes it toll. "
"The whole process of raising a family is one of perfecting our own lives. That which we transmit consciously and unconsciously to our children in their rearing in the home must be the best within us." Henry D. Moyle
I've always felt we owe it to our children to be the best person we can be. We don't begin to know how much influence we have on the earthly and eternal lives of our posterity. It takes a great deal of honest observation and introspection, a long view of things, and a great deal of discipline to do right by our families.
It is my hope that when we sit down in our heavenly home, that I will have done my part, that my family will be saved, that there will be no empty chairs at our table.
"I have learned in my home what I know about godliness.
And the theory I learn other places, if not applied at home, is useless." -Ann Madsen
Christmas Is Come
Well, the weather has turned chilly, I got my broken Christmas music to play, and I've bought and wrapped a few presents, so Christmas has come to my house--just in the nick of time.
So, what part of that is Christmas?
The shopping and buying?
The Christmas music?
The cold weather?
Doing things for others?
The busy-ness?
Or is it the lights and decorations? The smells and the tastes?
Certainly all of it. But what parts could we do without and still have it feel like Christmas?
Since Christmas really is about the birth of the Savior, I guess we could do away with almost all of it, except maybe the doing things for others, since that is the crux of the meaning of Christmas.
I got to wondering today how many Christmas presents I have wrapped in my lifetime. I came from a large family who had huge Christmases, and when I lived at home I did a lot of the wrapping for my mother and siblings. Then I had a large family of my own and there are always lots of presents to wrap.
And how many Christmas cards have I written? How many cookies have I baked to give away?
It almost makes me feel like I have done some good in the world.
But what if we don't count Christmas, if we take the Decembers of my life out of the equation, then what do I have to show for myself? Not much, I'm afraid.
It makes me all the more grateful for this season. Even if what we do smacks of obligation, it is a wonderful opportunity to think of others, to do for others, to share our love through cards and cookies and gifts.
And the world, and we, are better for it.
So, what part of that is Christmas?
The shopping and buying?
The Christmas music?
The cold weather?
Doing things for others?
The busy-ness?
Or is it the lights and decorations? The smells and the tastes?
Certainly all of it. But what parts could we do without and still have it feel like Christmas?
Since Christmas really is about the birth of the Savior, I guess we could do away with almost all of it, except maybe the doing things for others, since that is the crux of the meaning of Christmas.
I got to wondering today how many Christmas presents I have wrapped in my lifetime. I came from a large family who had huge Christmases, and when I lived at home I did a lot of the wrapping for my mother and siblings. Then I had a large family of my own and there are always lots of presents to wrap.
And how many Christmas cards have I written? How many cookies have I baked to give away?
It almost makes me feel like I have done some good in the world.
But what if we don't count Christmas, if we take the Decembers of my life out of the equation, then what do I have to show for myself? Not much, I'm afraid.
It makes me all the more grateful for this season. Even if what we do smacks of obligation, it is a wonderful opportunity to think of others, to do for others, to share our love through cards and cookies and gifts.
And the world, and we, are better for it.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Course Corrections
I used to think that life just grabs us, locks us into a socio-economic cultural environment, dictates how we spend our days (work, school, family), and gives us few real choices.
Then I had an aha! moment.
One day I was standing in the middle of my tiny cluttered house, surrounded by my numerous offspring, daydreaming about the woman I hoped to be someday, which was nothing like the girl I was. I realized that, though I had a hope and a dream, I was not on the path! And I wasn’t really doing anything to get myself there.
It was an eye-opening, course-changing experience for me when I realized I did have choices and I needed to be making them!
Life and circumstance do dictate, to some degree, those things we need to do each day, but within the framework of our lives, from the moment of each day's awakening, we make choices. We choose to get up or not, to be cheerful or not, to get to work or not, to be nice or not, and whatever happens to us, we choose our reaction. We don't always have complete control over our circumstances, but within those circumstances we have great power to shape a life.
"Next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God's greatest gift to man." David O. McKay
Every one of us is an artist. Our life is the masterpiece we are creating. Every day, whether we know it or not, we pick up the paintbrush or the chisel, and work on our creation. It is the small choices we make every day that shape our character. It’s like grass growing: slowly, imperceptibly, but surely, we are growing into something.
A good question to ask is, When you get to the end of the path you're on, where will you be?
I often think (and have asked my children), "Which Kingdom are you practicing for?"
The thoughts we think, the words we say, the things we do, the entertainment we engage in--for what will they qualify us in the future?
Choices...choices...every day choices...never-ending, brain-racking, soul-searching choices.
Thank goodness we are in the driver's seat and can change course.
Then I had an aha! moment.
One day I was standing in the middle of my tiny cluttered house, surrounded by my numerous offspring, daydreaming about the woman I hoped to be someday, which was nothing like the girl I was. I realized that, though I had a hope and a dream, I was not on the path! And I wasn’t really doing anything to get myself there.
It was an eye-opening, course-changing experience for me when I realized I did have choices and I needed to be making them!
Life and circumstance do dictate, to some degree, those things we need to do each day, but within the framework of our lives, from the moment of each day's awakening, we make choices. We choose to get up or not, to be cheerful or not, to get to work or not, to be nice or not, and whatever happens to us, we choose our reaction. We don't always have complete control over our circumstances, but within those circumstances we have great power to shape a life.
"Next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God's greatest gift to man." David O. McKay
Every one of us is an artist. Our life is the masterpiece we are creating. Every day, whether we know it or not, we pick up the paintbrush or the chisel, and work on our creation. It is the small choices we make every day that shape our character. It’s like grass growing: slowly, imperceptibly, but surely, we are growing into something.
A good question to ask is, When you get to the end of the path you're on, where will you be?
I often think (and have asked my children), "Which Kingdom are you practicing for?"
The thoughts we think, the words we say, the things we do, the entertainment we engage in--for what will they qualify us in the future?
Choices...choices...every day choices...never-ending, brain-racking, soul-searching choices.
Thank goodness we are in the driver's seat and can change course.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Disoriented
I am sitting in an airplane headed for Hawaii. It is an eerie feeling to fly over the ocean in the dark. I don't know where in the world I am.
Two weeks ago I was on a cruise ship, sailing the Pacific Ocean. Sandwiched between sea and sky, I was disoriented as to where in the world I was.
I feel lost in Walmarts that look the same in Mexico, Hawaii and every other state.
It is December. Between tropical weather, missing the "landmark" of Thanksgiving, and being far from home and family, I am disoriented as to the time of year.
Maybe I'm just disoriented in general.
My home life is different than it's been for the past 30 years.
Changes at work put me in a different place.
I'm gone too much to feel I belong in my new ward.
My church calling makes me feel like a fish out of water.
So I find myself asking,
Where am I?
Who am I?
What am I doing?
Where am I headed?
I have no real answers, except the important one: continue in faithfulness.
And if I am asea, at least I am on the move.
Hopefully I'm headed in the right direction.
Too many people work to climb the ladder of success only to find the ladder was leaning against the wrong wall.
Two weeks ago I was on a cruise ship, sailing the Pacific Ocean. Sandwiched between sea and sky, I was disoriented as to where in the world I was.
I feel lost in Walmarts that look the same in Mexico, Hawaii and every other state.
It is December. Between tropical weather, missing the "landmark" of Thanksgiving, and being far from home and family, I am disoriented as to the time of year.
Maybe I'm just disoriented in general.
My home life is different than it's been for the past 30 years.
Changes at work put me in a different place.
I'm gone too much to feel I belong in my new ward.
My church calling makes me feel like a fish out of water.
So I find myself asking,
Where am I?
Who am I?
What am I doing?
Where am I headed?
I have no real answers, except the important one: continue in faithfulness.
And if I am asea, at least I am on the move.
Hopefully I'm headed in the right direction.
Too many people work to climb the ladder of success only to find the ladder was leaning against the wrong wall.
A Different Christmas
For the past two months I have been out of town a lot, mostly in tropical places. It is now just one week until Christmas, and I've hardly given it a thought. It was 77 degrees today, and I still can't think about it.
Considering I have a very large family who all live a mailbox away, I'm in trouble.
I've tried to put Christmas music on, but the CD or the player doesn't seem to work. I think I'm not supposed to do Christmas this year.
While I was out of town, my husband, whose favorite thing about Christmas is the smell of a fresh tree, went out, for the first time in our lives, and bought a fake tree. And it came with lights. How's that for instant, artificial Christmas?
When I got home, I put two ornaments on it, one from Hawaii, and one of a cruise ship. I think that will do.
So when we get up on Christmas morning, and for the first time have no children, no stockings, and no presents, I'll remember that this is our Christmas: that we went on a cruise with our children and I got to go to Hawaii. That should warm my soul, if indeed if it gets cold enough to need warming.
It will be a different Christmas.
I won't have to stay up late or get up early.
I won't have to spend my day tripping over stuff and cleaning up after everyone.
I won't have to put up with the joking, poking, and wrestling of siblings.
Maybe I'll have time to take a nap, for all the years I stayed up all night and didn't get one.
Just maybe I'll miss the excitement of anticipation on Christmas morning, the fun of stockings, the bright eyes and yelps of joy at opening a gift, the love and bonding of a family, the gratitude felt for gifts, for each other, and for all that Christmas means.
It will be a different Christmas.
Bah Humbug.
Maybe I won't even make cinnamon rolls.
Considering I have a very large family who all live a mailbox away, I'm in trouble.
I've tried to put Christmas music on, but the CD or the player doesn't seem to work. I think I'm not supposed to do Christmas this year.
While I was out of town, my husband, whose favorite thing about Christmas is the smell of a fresh tree, went out, for the first time in our lives, and bought a fake tree. And it came with lights. How's that for instant, artificial Christmas?
When I got home, I put two ornaments on it, one from Hawaii, and one of a cruise ship. I think that will do.
So when we get up on Christmas morning, and for the first time have no children, no stockings, and no presents, I'll remember that this is our Christmas: that we went on a cruise with our children and I got to go to Hawaii. That should warm my soul, if indeed if it gets cold enough to need warming.
It will be a different Christmas.
I won't have to stay up late or get up early.
I won't have to spend my day tripping over stuff and cleaning up after everyone.
I won't have to put up with the joking, poking, and wrestling of siblings.
Maybe I'll have time to take a nap, for all the years I stayed up all night and didn't get one.
Just maybe I'll miss the excitement of anticipation on Christmas morning, the fun of stockings, the bright eyes and yelps of joy at opening a gift, the love and bonding of a family, the gratitude felt for gifts, for each other, and for all that Christmas means.
It will be a different Christmas.
Bah Humbug.
Maybe I won't even make cinnamon rolls.
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